Rep. Matt Gaetz, Former Ambassador Nikki Haley, Sean Hannity. Image by Lenny Ghoul.

Breaking News! Nikki Haley, Matt Gaetz, and Sean Hannity, Have ESP!

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An absolutely remarkable turn of events happened. An event that will go down in the history and science books for decades to come.

Robert Mueller handed in his final report on the 2 year investigation into “Russian Interference in the 2016 Presidential Elections”, to the Attorney General William Barr Friday night. Once William Barr has finished with the Mueller report he will then send a copy to the White House and presumably Congress. No one outside of Mueller’s team or William Barr has actually seen or read the report yet.

But low and behold, in an absolutely stunning feat of supernatural psychic prowess, Nikki Haley, Matt Gaetz, Sean Hannity, and many other prominent Trump supporting pundits and politicians have all unanimously declared that the Mueller report totally exonerates Donald Trump! Also that there is unequivocally NO COLLUSION between his campaign and Russia!

It’s a true miracle! Just a few hours after the report was handed in, without even reading a single page, millions of people have tapped into some major source of psychic ether, and have all been blessed with this gift of foresight, and they all somehow say the exact same thing! Mark this day folks. Oh what wonders befall us next?


We have to of course dismiss the fact that 8 campaign staffers including Trump’s campaign manager, 13 Russian Nationals, 12 Russian Officers, 3 Russian corporations and a handful of other people, loosely connected to Trump were either indicted on a horde of charges, plead guilty, plead the 5th amendment, or are doing jail time.

And the fact that many of the criminal referrals have been sent to the SDNY under sealed indictments.

And the fact that the AG has a very stupid standing policy about not prosecuting a sitting president that has no constitutional teeth whatsoever. So even if the report doesn’t show any current indictments against Trump it doesn’t necessarily absolve him of any crimes. It simply means the AG won’t prosecute Trump as President. It does not rule out the very real possibility of Congress bringing charges of impeachment against him for those crimes.

I have a suggestion to all those who now believe, without reading a single line of the report, that Trump is 100% innocent of any charges, and had nothing to do whatsoever with the Russian interference in the election, despite asking Russia specifically to interfere on camera in front of millions of people and them actually acting on it, then I suggest you play the Lottery. Because if you have the kind of ability to see and read 800 page reports form the future in your head, you might as well use that power for something useful like securing financial gain.